Dear Diabetes, Type I
I just want you to know I hate you. I felt the need to express my feelings so you can really understand what I think about you. I have been holding this in for years. Just a few months ago I started dealing with a few breakthroughs in my Life that have been helping me live a better Life everyday. I am a professional procrastinator and the more I put this off, the better the chance I will never end up telling you what really is on my mind.
First of all, let me just reiterate, I passionately hate you. Actually I despise you so much that I have not actually learned a word to explain the frustration and negativity I have toward you.
Everyday I am forced to give you precious time and attention that I much rather be doing something else with. I did not actually want to meet you. I had no plans of ever scheduling an appointment or taking the time to hear your name. You existed in the world around me but I chose to avoid you like the plague. And yet everyday you continue to stab me with needles like I forgot you were there. You put a whole new meaning to, “you are just going to feel a little pinch.”
You have convinced the world about being this hereditary culture curse that you just get because someone in your family gets. That is a flat out lie. Unfortunately you have educated the world so much that most people can’t and choose not to see health any other way because, “it runs in the family”.
Fortunately for me, I went to school and I paid attention. Fortunately for me, I do my own research on you punk. Fortunately for me, I am headstrong and know if you gave me type 2 I would have won that battle way too quickly.
Unfortunately for me, I have not yet figured out the key to unlock this autoimmune disease that you have infected my body with. Unfortunately for me, tackling type 1 isn’t as enjoyable.
Without controlling almost every aspect of my life, it is extremely difficult to control your moods on any given day. Some days you ain’t nothin’ but a peanut, other days I can’t budge you with a shotgun. Some days you have me forgetting you’re even there, other days you’re all I think about.
Mr. D, you really know how to mess up some of life’s greatest moments..
Remember that time at the gym when I was really in the groove and you just decided to drop my sugar extremely fast and extremely low? Or what about those nights where you ruin my peaceful, restful, and much needed sleep in a frantic panic of sweat? Remember those nights where you held me in a near-coma and if it is not for my wife I wonder if I would ever wake up again? Remember that Sports Chiropractic exam, which was very important to me, and you interrupted my ability to think two hours into the test? Or what about those times when I am in the middle of patient hours and suddenly turn pale and weak? Remember when I first left the hospital and mom had to pull over so I can almost unconsciously puke in the snow? Or what about New Years a few years back when my wife had to force feed me Nature Valley bars because I was unresponsive?
Honestly, Mr. D, I do not think I can ever forgive you for what you have done to me. You make me feel vulnerable, you make me feel weak, you know just how to make me lose all my drive and desire to stand upright. If I could see you face to face the burning ball in my gut would probably make me curl and vomit at just the thought of how I feel about you.
- You have broken my mother’s heart, you have frantically instilled fear in my wife, and you have tarnished the perception of every human being who meets me for the first time or sees the pump on my hip.
- For seven years you held me mentally, physically, and spiritually hostage. You have held me back from living the Life I always wanted, you have held me back from thinking who I can be if I believed, you have emotionally broken me down from a man to a chump on countless occasions.
- Every time I feel like I won something, you remind me I actually lost. When I dream of the future old me, you remind me of the complications you bring with you for the ride.
I am writing this letter to let you know that I have stayed quiet about you for a long time because I am embarrassed. How can I look in shape, be somewhat physically strong, appear like I got it going on, and at the same time be slowly dying on the inside? I wanted friends to not know, I wanted family to not know, I wanted no one to view me as the ‘sick’ one. I hate every time someone else tells me, “oh you can’t eat that.” EFF YOU!
Some people can take advantage of me for a short period of time. But eventually enough is enough and I will put my foot down. Mr. D, I am no longer scared of you. You do not stop me from anything. You will not stop me from fulfilling my dream and reaching my destiny. You are not even a worry to me anymore. I actually forgive you for being such a piece of shit to millions of people all around me. I think you are quite sly in how you manipulate minds, medicine, and absolutely terrorize this beautiful experience we call Life.
You hold nothing against me, I am letting you go because you no longer mean anything to me.
I forgive you for destroying my father’s life. I forgive you for the hurt I have seen in his eyes going through all these scary moments. I forgive you for the fear you have put on my entire family’s mind.
When I take a step back, you are actually not a peanut, you are smaller than that. When I step back and really look at who you are, I freeze, I blank out. I actually lose my breath because it hits me. It doesn’t hit me, it knocks me off my feet. It stuns me to a motionless and speechless blur where the last 10 years flashes before me and I can’t help but say, thank you…
Thank you for making me unstoppable.
Thank you for making me strong.
Thank you for making me tougher.
Thank you for making me smarter.
Thank you for pushing me to become a doctor.
Thank you for changing my life for the better.
Thank you for teaching me what health is and why it is important.
Thank you for keeping me on top of taking care of myself.
Thank you for the Life lessons you have instilled on your journey.
Thank you for the people you have brought in my life.
Thank you for secretly being one of the best things that’s happened to me.
Thank you for pushing me to be a better person everyday.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the world around me.
Thank you for letting me use you as a platform to change the world.
Thank you for helping me relate to millions of people.
Thank you for leading me to competitive strength sports.
Thank you for putting this drive in me to Inspire to Motivate.
Thank you for making me dream.
Thank you for pushing me to chase MY dream.
Thank you for changing my complete perspective.
Thank you for putting a meaning to live.
Male, Age 30
Diabetes, Type I